


distance

by fictionalparadises



Category: Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, Hurt, M/M, Pining, Yeah idk either, this is not the usual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:54:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26714806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionalparadises/pseuds/fictionalparadises
Summary: It's alwaysshould.
Relationships: Aleena/Noel Miller (referenced), Cody Ko/Noel Miller
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	distance

Cody’s screen dimly lights up the room, casting shadows over his face as he taps on his phone. It’s three in the morning, and despite trying for hours, he can’t seem to fall asleep. There’s a sense of unease in the pit of his stomach, making him nauseous. It’s all he can focus on whenever he closes his eyes.

It’s funny how much his life has changed in the past months. Well, it’s actually not funny at all. He hates how distant he seems from every single person around him, how far he has drifted away. But he supposes that’s on him. On him and his stubborn mind, on him and his fear of moving forward, on him and his inability to express his feelings.

He’s not sure why it’s now—or maybe he does and he’s just not willing to think about it—but these past days he’s been spiraling, getting stuck on the _how’s_ and _why’s_ and _when’s_ as soon as it grows dark outside. Thinking and rethinking certain decisions, wondering why he did what he did, questioning when the exact moment was he let his only chance slip through his fingers. If he did it unconsciously or if it happened in complete oblivion.

It’s three in the morning. He shouldn’t do this. But before he can stop himself, he presses send.

 _Hey_ , the text reads, _u up?_

Not really expecting a reply soon, Cody drops his phone on the mattress and turns on his back, staring at the lit-up ceiling. What a fucking waste. He’s pathetic.

His phone vibrates next to him. He hates how his heart skips a beat when he sees the caller ID.

“Hey, man,” he says as he picks up, voice a little hoarse.

“Cody?” Noel’s voice is loud in his ear, but maybe it’s because he’s yelling. There’s a lot of background noise on the other side of the line. “Where are you, bro?”

“Home,” he says. “Why? Why’d you call?” Stupid question. Noel has always been the type of person to call after receiving a message in the middle of the night that indicates an existential crisis, whether it says _I can’t sleep_ or _can we move recording the pod to Friday?_ Sometimes Cody is afraid Noel knows him better than he knows himself. 

“Oh,” is Noel’s reply. “I thought you’d be here tonight!”

Vaguely, Cody recalls something about an invite to a party at Spock’s, but that was a week ago and he’d forgotten about it. Not that he’d been wanting to go, knowing Noel would be there, knowing _who_ Noel would be there with.

“Yeah, I forgot. Didn’t really feel like going anyway,” he mumbles offhandedly.

“I haven’t seen you in forever, man. I’ve seen you like, what, twice after we came back from France?”

Cody knows he should say something like, _yeah, you need to tell me more about it, I still don’t know everything you did and saw during your trip,_ but he can’t bring himself to, because deep down he knows hearing the happy stories will just make him crumble even further. The ugly truth is that he doesn’t want to know what Noel did during his vacation, doesn’t want to know how exactly the irreversible changes between them came to be. So instead he tells him, “Yeah, sorry. Everything’s been pretty hectic lately, but we should catch up soon.”

He can barely hear Noel over the music and laughter. “Give me a minute, I can’t hear you,” Noel says into the phone. “Hold up.” 

“No, don’t, it’s okay,” Cody objects weakly, listening as Noel talks to someone. His laugh is loud and crackly through the phone, but it still sounds as beautiful as ever, and Cody knows exactly how Noel looks when he laughs like that, automatically pictures the hand on his stomach and the way his eyes crinkle. He doesn’t want to talk to Noel over the phone, doesn’t want his heart to ache any more than it already does. He’s going to do enough guilt-tripping as it is.

“Wait, where you going?” The voice is faint, but he knows who it belongs to. His heart sinks.

“I’ll be right back, I’m gonna go outside for a minute,” Noel says to her. His voice is warm, full of that quiet affection you can only ever hear if you know what it sounds like, and Cody has been wanting to be on the receiving end of it for years now. He’s a fool for that alone. More so because it will never happen now. 

“Don’t.” Cody’s finger hovers above the red button, hesitating slightly. “Go enjoy yourself, Noel. Don’t bother.” Then he ends the call.

The sudden silence in his bedroom is almost overwhelming. There’s a burning behind his eyes that he can’t quite place, and he stares at his screen until it’s a different kind of burning.

Some days he wonders why he can’t cut out his heart and throw it in the garbage disposal—not that there’s anything left of it, anyway.

He opens Instagram and mindlessly scrolls through his feed, trying to take his mind off the whirlwind of thoughts that’s messing up his head. It almost helps until he clicks on Cassius’ story and taps through the pictures.

He knows he shouldn’t. He still does.

Most are of people he faintly recognizes, and then there’s a picture of Noel and Aleena, his arm wrapped around her waist, big smiles on both their faces, and he’s looking at her like she’s the only thing that gives his life meaning. Cody is happy for them, he is, because he knows what it’s like to love someone as much as that. But that’s the problem, isn’t it? He _knows_. Better than anyone.

Huffing out a humorless laugh, he turns off his phone and tosses it on the floor. It lands on the wood with an empty thunk, followed by silence and darkness.

It’s always should, should, should with Cody; you should have gone to bed earlier, you should have worked harder for your career, you should have come out to your friends when you had the chance, you should have told Noel you were in love with him before he fucked off to Paris.

**Author's Note:**

> a lil angst to keep the heart healthy. no hate to aleena, this is only fictional !! 
> 
> leave a comment !!!!  
> or come talk to me on @sundaycore (twitter/tumblr) <3


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